Ashamnu
by MyOriginalIntent
Summary: Ashamnu. We abuse. Draco loves Harry, but can't stop hurting him. DracoHarry slash.


Title: Ashamnu (We Abuse)   
Author: MOI (MyOriginalIntent)   
Summary: Draco loves Harry. He just can't stop hurting him.   
Archival: Sure! You might want to tell me first, so I can be happy, but it's not necessary. Just so long as you don't claim _you_ wrote it.   
A/N: Ashamnu means 'we abuse'. This was inspired by the Vidui, a Hebrew confession-of-sins. At first I was going to turn this into the first chapter of an almost-novel-length fic, but I'm going to be away from computers this summer, so I decided not to. If I get enough good reviews for this, maybe I'll continue it next fall, when I return. Enjoy!  
  
===  
  
The Pitch was muddy from recent rain, and the sky threatened more bad weather. Quidditch practice had been cancelled, so it should have been deserted. Two figures, however, stood face-to-face in one corner of the field.  
  
"You do this every time, Draco! I'm _sick_ of it!" One figure shouted, glaring.  
  
"Are you really? You know you'll come crawling back after a week without me." Draco seemed amused.  
  
"Do you want to bet on that?" Harry's voice was suddenly dangerously low, and his fists clenched at his sides. Draco snorted in response.  
  
"You're addicted to me, Potter, and you know it. Not that I blame you or anything..." he added knowingly.  
  
"See! That's what I'm talking about. You act as if this is all about you-"  
  
"Isn't it?"  
  
"Fuck you, Draco! We're through!" The black haired boy stalked off, leaving Draco to stare after him. There was a slight pain in his chest, but he shrugged it off. He and Potter were not really in a _relationship_, but if previous events were any indication, he and Harry would soon be at it like mad again.  
  
Two weeks later, Harry had yet to come back. Draco lay on his bed, arms crossed behind his head, and pondered the situation. He had always thought of Potter as a fuck-buddy, nothing more. However, although Draco certainly had not gone without sex since The Incident, he found himself missing the sodding git, Merlin knew why! Before Draco, Potter had had no experience whatsoever, even if he _was_ a good lay.  
  
He turned on his side, vowing to seduce Potter back. It should not be too hard, what with Potter's raging hormones and everything. With that thought, he drifted off to sleep.  
  
In Potions the following morning, Draco put his plan into action. As usual, Snape had paired the enemies together, and Harry was decidedly uncomfortable about the situation.  
  
"Today, we are going to begin Octavos' Solution," Snape intoned, beady eyes boring into Harry.  
  
"Can anyone tell us what it is?" He glanced around the classroom, pointedly ignoring Hermione's raised hand.  
  
"Mr. Potter? Would you care to enlighten us?" Snape drawled, a wicked glint in his eye. Harry opened his mouth to answer, and Draco moved his stool closer.  
  
"It is... I think it's..." Draco placed a hand on Harry's thigh and began to caress the area with his hand.  
  
"Do tell, Mr. Potter, we're waiting." Draco inched his palm higher, drawing patterns over Harry's jeans. Harry glared at him.  
  
"It's a base for something, right Professor?" The hand met its target and Harry's breathing increased rapidly. His hips arched involuntarily towards the hand, and he smothered a moan. Out of the corner of his eye, Draco could see Harry's rapidly flushing cheeks, and smiled inwardly.  
  
"Congratulations, Mr. Potter, for reading the board." Snape's voice was coolly mocking. "What is it a base for, though?" Harry's eyes crossed as Draco's fingers began to move, and he struggled with the temptation to come _right there._  
  
"Uh..." Harry's finger tightened on the desktop. "Sleeping draughts?" Snape raised a brow and Harry shifted to get away from Draco. He was breathing heavily and Draco thought Harry had never looked prettier in his life.  
  
"Surprisingly correct, _Mr. Potter_. It is nice to know our little hero is not completely incompetent... well? What are we all waiting for? The instructions are on page 652, you may begin. Snape strode to his desk and sat down, eyeing the class threateningly. Harry stood and turned towards his partner.  
  
"What are you _playing_ at?" he hissed. "I told you, I don't want anything to do with you anymore!" Draco drew himself up and looked down his nose at the Gryffindor.  
  
"And _why_ not? I think I at least deserve an explanation!" A rather strange expression crossed Harry's face as Draco said this, and his green eyes turned sad.  
  
"I'm not cut out for a relationship with a person who doesn't care for me. And, Malfoy? You hate my guts." He turned to his Potions book just as Snape called out "Ten points from Gryffindor, Potter, for not staying on task."  
  
Draco turned his attention to the Solution. Of course he didn't care about Potter... _'And Malfoy?_ You _hate my guts_.' Did that mean _Potter_ didn't hate_ him?_ Had Harry become _attached?_ He absently sliced his shrivelfig, reducing it to neat slices as he pondered the possibility. It was reasonable. Harry was not the sort to deal with abstractness or gray areas. He either loved someone or hated them, and usually there was no middle ground. Draco threw the pieces into the cauldron and watched as they dissolved. There _had_ to be some way he could use this against Potter.  
  
The rest of Potions continued in silence until the bell, signaling the class was over. Without sparing Draco a glance, Harry packed his bags and followed his friends out of the classroom. Draco stared after the boy as he left, nails digging into his palms.  
  
_Ouch. That hurt. I still think he likes me, though. _  
  
Over lunch, Draco formulated a new plan. The first step would be to convince Potter that Draco had very, very well hidden feelings for him that his 'Death Eater upbringing' had trained him to suppress. Potter would eat that up, Golden Boy that he was. Then... he would do something terrible to Potter. That would come later. Draco tapped his spoon on his teeth. It would _break_ Potter, he decided.  
  
That night, Draco climbed the stairs to the Owlery and found one of the school owls, brown and anonymous. He attached a letter to her leg and patted her on the head.  
  
"Good girl. Would you mind delivering this to Harry Potter tomorrow morning?" The owl hooted enquiringly.  
  
"It's just a note, but I can hardly give it to him myself, can I? Just give it to the speckled git with green eyes." The owl hooted again, affirmatively. Draco handed her a treat and turned to leave. He paused abruptly and turned around to look back at her.  
  
"If you creatures can talk, just know: if you relate any of this to anyone, I will pluck you and throw you into the stewpot alive." His words were matter-of-fact, and sent shivers down the spine of his chosen owl. Finally, he left.  
  
The owls watched his departure, eyes gleaming in the darkness.  
  
_Harry-   
You know who this is, and if you do not then I guess I am out of luck. I think some apologies are in order, and from me, not you. I am sure you know just how rare that is. Meet me in the usual place at eleven.   
Yours,   
Not-The-Dark-Lord_  
  
When Harry had seen the owl heading his way, he had been confused. Two years ago, he would have thought it was from Sirius, but Sirius-  
  
Last year he would have thought it was the newspaper, but Harry had cancelled his subscription when Dumbledore had started telling him the important stuff. Now, he looked at the note, and his hands clenched at his sides. Of course he knew who it was! They had only been paired for Potions for years now. Malfoy's handwriting was unmistakable. But- _apologize?! _Harry spoke sternly to himself.  
  
_This is Malfoy we are talking about here. He does not love you. He does not even like you, and he most certainly is not going to fall into your arms and ask forgiveness for his self-centeredness or something. _  
  
He looked up and met Malfoy's eyes. They were cool, and revealed absolutely nothing. One eyebrow rose as Draco's eyes rested briefly on the letter, then returned to Harry's face. Harry shrugged.  
  
Draco turned his gaze away and Harry frowned, perplexed. Was that nonverbal communication?  
  
The 'usual place' was an abandoned classroom in the South Tower that housed worn-out furniture. There were no other activities in the tower, so Draco and Harry usually had it to themselves. Harry, per usual, had arrived first. He sat down on a broken desk, legs swinging below him as he gazed out the window.  
  
"Hey, Harry." The strangely soft voice startled him and he jumped, causing the desk to topple beneath Harry and deposit him in a pile on the floor. Draco lifted an eyebrow.  
  
"Smooth." He commented noncommittally. Harry struggled to stand. They stood there for moments that seemed like eternity.  
  
"You came." Draco said finally.  
  
"You thought I wouldn't?" Harry asked, slightly bitter.  
  
"It was always a possibility. But I planned for that contingency as well." Harry sighed and shook his head.  
  
"What is it with you Slytherins and plans?" he asked, softly. Draco chose to ignore the question, and they stood in awkward silence again.  
  
"What do you want, Draco?" Harry asked abruptly. The sudden noise made Draco start, and he looked confused.  
  
"What do you mean, what do I want?" he asked.  
  
"You told me to come here for some reason. What was it?"  
  
"Oh. That." Draco cleared his throat. "I don't really know how to say this, but- when I realized you weren't coming back, I guess I figured something out." Harry sat down on another desk, facing Draco.  
  
"And? What was your earth-shattering revelation?" His heart was racing. It was like dream come true- but this was Draco Malfoy! This was definitely one of his secret plans. Harry wasn't sure he liked the idea.  
  
"I- I _really really_ like you, Harry." There, he'd said it. Draco stepped back warily to watch the response to his words. Shock? Check. Dilated pupils? Check. Inclination to get together? Hell yes.  
  
"And what does that _mean,_ Draco?" Harry asked softly. His eyes were wide, and he was leaning forward slightly on the desk. Draco carefully modified his expression to become the model of a boy, bravely facing the possibility of rejection, but-  
  
"I think it means... I'm asking you out."  
  
"No one can know."  
  
"Of course not." Silence, then  
  
"Are you going to move to the next part of your plan now?" Harry asked slyly.  
  
"Next part?"  
  
"Yeah. The kissing-me part." Draco moved towards Harry, his focus narrowing onto the other's lips.  
  
"I suppose so," he murmured, breath ghosting across Harry's mouth. Then he was leaning in, and Harry was leaning forward. Harry's hands twined in his hair, and Draco pulled him close. His thighs bumped against the desk and he pushed closer. Draco's lips moved, trying to imprint themselves on Harry's, and Harry struggled to get closer to the blonde. Their tongues intertwined, and they began to tear at each other's clothing, lip remaining interlocked. It was perfect.  
  
"It's been so long."  
  
"Merlin, I don't know how I lasted this long."  
  
"Ohhh, right there..."  
  
"Please!"  
  
Some time later, as Harry was unbuttoning Draco's pants and sliding them down, a hazy thought crossed Draco's mind. _I could get used to this... I suppose it can't hurt to keep him around for a while. Anyway, the longer I wait, the more attached he'll get, and the more it will hurt later on. _  
  
That night, before going to sleep, Harry pulled out his journal.  
  
_I might as well call this the Draco Diary, seeing as all I ever write about is Him. He asked me out today- tonight- and I do not know what to feel. Sometimes I want him so much it hurts. I've been crushing on him for ages, you know, and while I don't love him yet, I'm dangerously close. And that is a mistake. I don't know what game Draco's playing, but there is no chance he's showing his entire hand. God, what I would do for Veritaserum right now! Or I'd settle for not falling in love with Draco Malfoy. _  
  
As he returned the journal to its hiding place, Harry reflected that God did not seem to like him very much.  
  
_Progress Report: Operation Glasses  
  
If those two weeks caused me to forget anything, I have now been reminded. There was a reason I was almost exclusive with Potter for three and a half months. Merlin, I don't know how to describe it. He is like sex walking. And he's beautiful. That scrawny kid who used to wear spellotaped glasses and too-big clothes is beautiful. I think I'm getting a bit mushy over him though, which should sound the alarms. He is music in bed, but I am getting to like the post-coital bliss and the look in his eyes as he comes just as much as the fucking. It is time to put the plan in action. Not because my father would love to see Harry destroyed, or because it would give Voldemort an advantage or anything. It is the principle of the thing, really. The plan was to hurt Harry. And I shall do this._  
  
Harry looked casually at the note in front of him, then went back to his porridge. Hermione and Ron clamored to see the note, but with a flick of Harry's wand, it was gone. His friends were beginning to be suspicious, but there was no way in hell he was going to tell them about Draco.  
  
_-HP-10-Bring Food._  
  
Hello, universe? Yes, this is Harry Potter calling. Could you put me on the line with a deity? Thank you. Hello? Yes. See, I'm not in hot water, I'm dissolving under streams of boiling acid. I'm in love with Draco Malfoy, you see. Yes, I know that's a bad thing. I don't suppose you have a cure for it? No? Oh, you think love to precious to be destroyed. Yes. Yes, I understand. I'm really in love, aren't I? I thought so. Well, thanks anyway. Good-bye.  
  
As usual, Harry was early. But this time Draco was earlier. Light streamed from beneath the door of 'their' room. Balancing the basket he had brought on his hip, he opened the door, smiling. What he saw was almost enough to make him shut the door again.  
  
"Draco!"  
  
Draco was leaning against the wall, pants around his knees. A Ravenclaw girl knelt in front of him, and his hands were locked behind her head, forcing her closer. It was a mediocre performance, and he had been wishing she were Harry's caliber when Harry entered. Smiling broadly (and a little forcibly), Draco turned his head towards Harry.  
  
"Potter. You're early. I'm _sure_ I told you ten." Harry dropped his basket and looked straight at Draco. Draco stared back, and those green eyes, impossibly beautiful, filled with tears. They soon overflowed his eyes, and each drop was like a stab through Draco's heart.  
  
"Part of your _plan,_ right?" Harry asked bitterly. Draco said nothing. "I never _really_ though you'd love me back, but hey, a guy can dream, right?" He angrily dashed the tears out of his eyes with the back of his hand and kicked the basket towards Draco and the shocked Ravenclaw.  
  
"Keep the food. I don't want it anymore." He strode out again, shoulders squared to hide his emotions, but Draco, who had studied his nemesis for so long, could read every emotion in the lines of his body. _If he is not broken, he is breaking_. Draco pushed the girl off him.  
  
"Just... go away, okay?"  
  
_Progress Report: Operation Glasses I am in love with Harry Potter. I deserve to burn for eternity._  
  
===  
  
REVIEW! Or not, as the case may be. 


End file.
